I Am In A World Of Shit

Dear Readers,

This blog will be antagonistic, depressing and overall negative. Worst of all, it will be about myself. I'm sorry to do this, but writing my thoughts down is the best way for me to get things off my chest.

I just had a bad fucking day at work. Of all the important things that you should need at a county fair in the middle of nowhere (Barton, VT), I forgot the fucking canopy tent. If Robyn wasn't there with me, there would have been no way I could have persuaded the organizers to get us inside. But Robyn is older, wiser and more assertive. I want to be like her someday. She probably also knows how to put up a good fight, being a lesbian the majority of her life.

I'm really starting to hate these fucking county fairs or maybe its just the Orleans County Fair. They were definitely trying to swindle us out of our spot. We got there to set up today and the president of the fair wouldn't even look us in the face when we said who we were. What a fucking narrow-minded, biggoted redneck piece of shit. He would hardly even acknowledge our presence. Fortunately for us, I had been talking with a fellow named Marcel Walk for the previous few weeks, one of the other organizers of the fair and he stood up for us. Robyn and I had a feeling that there was a lot of internal politics within the hierarchies of this fair that occasionally bump into each other. So Marcel is a supporter of our cause and he basically got us into Floral Hall and out of the rain. However, the rest of the fair seems to look down on us. I just wish I knew how to persuade them and be assertive like Robyn. If she hadn't been with me today, we would've been totally fucked.

Overall, I'm just really lacking confidence in myself as an organizer. Just today I locked my cell phone inside the office when I left and had to walk all the way back. Maybe I don't think things through. Maybe my professor, Sanjukta was right when she told me I had no brain. I sure don't feel like I do sometimes. To make matters worse, the Orleans Fair is nearly bankrupt every year apparently and that is why they don't give any exhibitors more than two weekly passes. VT Freedom to Marry doesn't work that way however. Each volunteer needs to get in and do their job without any hassle and I have a real bad feeling about the fair starting tomorrow. Apprently the first volunteer hadn't received the two passes in the mail yet, even though I mailed them to her yesterday morning. Apparently the address we had for her in our database was also her work address, not her home one. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? The plan, was to have the volunteers hand over the passes to each other at the main gate, but with the little experience we had just trying to set up today, I'm really fucking worried that we're going to get screwed and that every volunteer will have to buy their own ticket to get in, meaning that we'll have to reimburse them. Its fucking annoying. If you're an exhibitor, you shouldn't need a fucking pass.

I just want to punch a fucking wall. Or maybe my face. But I won't do the latter. I'm over that. Self-mutilation is not good for you. I'm just so fucking scared that I will not get everything done the right with this job and they will fire me. I mean how would it sound if a college graduate got fired from his first "real" job? Wouldn't sound good to me. I just don't want to be a fuck-up. Maybe organizing for a civil rights organization is not my thing. Maybe I was just good at writing protests songs. Too bad music doesn't make a living for most people. Especially if you like hardcore punk. Theres no money in being honest with yourself. Most dreams don't come true, because we live in a society that suppresses individual thought and creativity. Just keep your mouth shut, go to your dead-end job, watch tv, reproduce, drink, repeat. So many people get caught up in it and I don't blame them. You want to survive and you do it at the mercy of fat, privileged, white christian zealotous capitalists. Its fucking disgusting.

I just want to be at a show right now. Or maybe playing in a band. Pumping my fist in the air and yelling at the top of my lungs. And seriously fuck the northeast kingdom in Vermont. There is so much bullshit in small-town mentality. Barton disgust me. Do you have to wear carhartts, working boots and sport a dirt stache to live there? Am I crazy when I say that? Do you also have to be a fucking trendy hippy, college student to live in Burlington? Burlington is so fucking far away from Barton, VT. There completely opposite worlds. People in Barton think Burlington is a big city. I guess 40,000 people is a lot. Maybe they should go to Boston, where their population is that of VT (600,000). There are so many hot girls in Burlington, but they're all into fashion or being "one with the earth" or putting people down because they can't afford to buy organic food all the time. Where the fuck do I fit in anyways? I can't wait until Unrestrained comes back from tour. I really hope Derek and Ryan were sincere when they said they wanted to start a project with me. That kind of interaction would surely save me from the hipster, art student, asian tea drinking scene on church street. Fuck it all.

Ummm...hmmm. Anything good happening lately? I finally got to hang out with Miriah and her roommate Erica this past saturday. Too bad they were both too tired to drink. I was really looking forward to fucking myself up real good. But yeah, its not like anybody ever calls me and asks to hang out up here. I always have to go out of my way to arrange something. Maybe I'm the friend that nobody likes, like in that Dane Cook joke. I've always been that way. My mom used to bring me to the park when I was a little tike, to hang out with other kids in the sandbox and withing five minutes, the whole place would clear out, leaving me to dig my own holes. Do I make people uncomfortable? Am I incredibly boring or self-righteous? Seriously, just let me know.

Now I don't feel like writing anymore, cuz I'm pissed off.