So Things Have Changed

Alot has changed since my last post. I got this part-time job at the Natural Foods Market as a cashier dude and then I come home this morning to find a voicemail on my phone from the Vermont Freedom To Marry Task Force offering me the job. Thing is, I'd have to move to Burlington. It would be $13.50 an hour and I basically don't have good benefits, besides the fact that I'm fighting for gay rights and marriage equality. They would however pay for my phone bills and gas mileage. Am I ready to do this? Someone give me some advice, because I'm a little freaked. Life really does come at you fast. What would moving to Burlington mean? I certainly do know how adversely it would affect my musical endeavors. Its already hard enough to find practice time for the three of us. Maybe it will turn into a once in a blue moon thing. Not to mention the two shows that I've been helping to plan for SPARC this summer and our film night on June 3rd. Oh yeah and if I take the job, now I have to go back on my word to the Coop. Suggestions?

A Stain On The Underpants Of Society

Things are exactly as I expected: stagnant and unchanging. I sit home everyday writing copious amounts of emails and "professional" cover letters to prospective employers and it goes nowhere. Sometime they will write back and apologize for how long the process is taking or with cheerful, but vague comments like "we havn't forgotten about you!" Seriously, If I'm not cut out for the job, let me know before I get dropkicked in the face with poverty and despair. For some reason, my advisor for the Student Peace Alliance of Rutland County, Carol Tashie decided that perhaps the Rutland Coop could offer me an interview. This is after an exchange of emails where she persisted that they wouldn't hire me because I'm looking for "full-time professional work." I can respect that. But it really does suck that with a college degree, I'm suddenly over-qualified for any typical job and not quite cutting it for the real jobs I want (or maybe I just don't have patience when it comes to the job search). Either way, I guess I'm going into the Coop tomorrow to have interview at 10:30 AM, which also means I should probably go to bed very soon.

So SPARC has been setting up a concert series for the UU Church in downtown Rutland and I'm really excited, but I'm also concerned about one of the bands I've invited; After The Fall. They're great guys and I've seen them play at Valentine's in Albany, NY with Only Crime and Outbreak, but they're really adamant abuot getting $50. Now they're not being total asswipes in the sense that they won't play if they don't get the dough, but they seem pretty convinced they can get the money. Now, Dianna and I are taking our personal money to rent the UU Church in the first place and The Jonee Earthquake Band is also out-of-state, with The Denton Affair coming from White River (my band is too local to get paid.....but I don't care anyways). So basically it wouldn't be fair to pay ATF more than the other bands. We also went out of our way to re-schedule the show for them after they double-booked themselves (apparently they didn't have confidence in me securing the church for the 20th, but Dianna and I were on that shit). I understand that gas prices are going through the fucking roof and that they're on tour in support of their new album and 7", but SPARC is a non-profit organization with next to no resources. I hope they don't get pissed when I can't give them $50.

Not much else is going on. I freaked out yesterday though and decided that my Castleton degree meant nothing and spent hours researching graduate schools online. Well that really pissed my mom off. She said "it would be a mistake" on account of the dwindling U.S. economy and that she wouldn't give me a penny in aide. "You're on you're own with that," she said. I don't blame her. However, she has a Master's Degree in Art Therapy. But I guess you need that label in her line of work, yet my Dad still makes more money thatn her and he's a colleg drop-out. Life is a flummox. I think I just need to have more patience with finding work and if I do land a job I like, then I'll forget about graduate school period. But if someone would pay for it (I.E. Employers), I would enroll in a heartbeat. But seriously, fuck all you privileged PhD types out there who get down on me for not enrolling before I graduated. Your family paid for all your education (especially you Sanjukta! remember....your dad was the CEO of Shell Oil....OH THE HYPOCRISY).

So what else is grinding my gears (reference to Family Guy, DUH)? The Rebuttal. I don't know what those fuckers are up to, but it is apparently taking them almost a week to review my 600 word article about John McCain opposing the Fair Pay Act. My first draft of the article went off on the deep end, when I tried to connect the "stalwart" senator to a methadology of "fathe knows best," but backed it up with insufficient sources. Thats understandable, but my second version directly quoted a women's law journal and basically had no personal opinion. I figured that would suffice and it would be published by now. I guess not. Christian said he would get back to me at night...but that was almost two days ago. I don't know. Besides the fact that I share important criticizms with people, I don't see much motive for writing for them much longer, especially if they can't pay me, which is what they first promised, once I garner "increased readership." Well thats a load of crap. Well I hope they don't read this. But if they don't publish my article, I'll just put it up on here.

Wow I'm fucking tired. I need to find my alarm clock too.

Excessive Straight-Edge Pride = Conformists In Training

Seriously. Shut the fuck up. You're no different than televangelists or the military. Your dogmatic clashes with the boozers is not individualism, its a set of rules and an X on your hand. It just looks like another costume you need to get into another elitist club. Its like "no girls allowed," and the fortune 500. Theres nothing special about an angry mob armed with quotable Minor Threat lyrics and mowhawks. I'm sure Ian Mackaye is embarassed. Seriously, they only had two songs that talked about not drinking and whos to say the whole band felt that way? Ian wrote most of the lyrics anyway. The whole X on you hand actually started out as a way for kids under 21 to express their discontent over a lack of all-ages shows. That also means that they couldn't drink at shows, which quickly transformed into "fuck it, we don't need booze." But now its gotten out of hand. Straight-edge is PERSONAL POLITICS. Its something you do for yourself, because they're YOUR principles, not everybody else's. Waving Xs in everyone's faces and yelling "at least I have the guts to be straight-edge," doesn't make you rebellious. Its just another trendy way to fit in without thinking for yourself. Have you even tried beer or a martini? Don't knock it until you try it. Besides, life is about moderation. Most people who do drink alchohol aren't complete fuckups, who don't take care of their kids. Thats just another carefully crafted image created by conservative politicians to justify why people in poverty are responsible for their own demise. Yes, there are people like that, but the point is that you can't judge someone just because they want beer once in a while.



Its like one kid who was really affable and had the best record collection in town claimed he or she was edge and then all of a sudden everybody else followed like a flock of sheep, so they could share the "fun." But once it becomes about shoving your ideology down everybody else's throat its self-defeating. The insignia on your leather jacket is just another way to separate the followers from the thinkers. If you truly want to be straight-edge, than live up to it. Just don't make everybody feel bad because they made a decision not to be. Because if you do that, you're just another fascist. SORRY IF I HAVE THE GUTS TO ADMIT I LIKE TO GET FUCKED UP. Exactly. Is it any different? Not at all. Practice what you preach, but don't preach it. I choose not to eat meat, but I don't get pissed off at people who do eat meat. If they want to know why I don't, I'll explain my position, but I'm not going to espouse to a doctrine of hate and attack you with cabbage or nuts.

Now What?

Graduation was long and arduous. We couldn't have picked a better day to wear long, black robes under a hot May sun. I can't believe how tired I still am from that day. It may be because I came home and unpacked nearly everything I had acrued at school for the past year. That was probably a little un-necessary. I tend to un-pack and organize when I'm anxiety-ridden. Its the only thing I know how to control, when suddenly everything I've known for so long is suddenly gone. Its so surreal that I'm actually done with college. No more homework. No more academia. I think I'm going to miss all the debates and opportunities to meet so many different people. It was especially cool to meet people from other countries. Its a little difficult to do that in any old town in Vermont.

The really shitty thing about graduation day, was not partying with anybody. Its weird, because my friend Meghan said I should come to the Hippy house after graduation. This was like a week before. I figured we'd meet up after and I could follow her to this infamous dungeon of keggers and drug-inducement. However, after graduation I could not find her and she wouldn't answer her cell phone. I should've known better. She'd always been flakey like that. Maybe she just though I was fucking weird, but couldn't be mean to me. Sometimes I wonder. Needless to say, I went home and hung out by myself, drinking my parent's wine. Oh well. Fuck everybody. Well except Cherie. She's cool enough to rent a hotel room and eat chocolate mixed with shrooms. Thats hardcore.

So what next? I don't know. I can only apply for so many jobs at a time. It gets boring real fast. I've been keeping in touch with the Vermont Freedom to Marry Task Force quite a bit, but its taking them a long time to get stuff together. I've gotten $300 so far for graduation and I just picked up my paycheck today for $190. Yeah I'm gonna die real soon if I don't get some sufficient income. Oh yeah, I no longer have health insurance because I live in a country where its political punditry thinks the welfare of its people isn't as important as waging illegal wars against sovereign nations.

My parents did, however, bring me to the Long Trail Brewery today for lunch. I had the "hippy" burger for lunch. It was decent, but the Belgian White Wheat Ale was the best part. I also got to tour the factory and see how they mix all that malt, hops, water and shit. That was some dank ass chronic motherfucker.

A kid named Pete is coming over to show me his guitar skills. I hope it goes well.

The Climax

Today Weight of the World had a practice with a new guitarist named Troy. I'm so glad that we've been able to add him to our lineup. Troy hasn't played with a band since he played bass for They Fear The Reclaim. I got their 7" on eBay a while ago. Its extremely abrasive. I would recommend picking it up if you find it anywhere.

Anyway, the practice went over well. Bruce and I taught him four songs and he picked them up really quick. He's also quite versatile for bass being his forte. Troy has a very thrash-esque approach to playing guitar, that adds a new type of aggression to my melodic brand of hardcore and punk. I'm really excited.

Around three, I met up with produced/songwriter Phil Henry to continue mixing the Weight of the World demo. We go three good mixes down, but we need to re-record some bass. My advice is to never tune your instrument to an online tuner. They're not reliable.

At six, I met up with my parents for the Senior's family picnic. It sucked. The veggie burgers were burnt and Jeremiah just had to sit with us. My mom overheard hi saying his parents weren't showing up, so she invited him to sit down. Little did she know, that he's immensely annoying and tries way to hard to be everybody's friend.

Next, all graduating seniors had graduation rehearsal at seven. Like Jeremiah, it was also immensely annoying and antagonizing. All the formalities and traditions mean absolutely nothing to me. I guess it might to my family though.

Now, I'm slightly drunk. I also don't feel like thinking anymore. No more writing. The end of the world starts tomorrow, with my entry into the real world.

Silliness

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Fuck Bears

Today I had one of my breakdowns. It tends to happen if I forget to take my medicine for more than a couple of days. Its not that I don't intend on taking my medicine, I'm just always on the go and its easy to forget to pop a couple of white capsules in your mouth.

First, I realized Weight of the World had to drop off the May 23rd show at 242 main. Bruce got promoted at work, because one of the line-cooks got fired, so by default he takes place. Only bad part, is that now he has to work friday or they will be seriously screwed. I really wish employers had more respect for their employee's various activities. This show has been booked for more than a few weeks and I just feel really let down when you're expected to just drop your activities to fulfill capitalistic motives. On a more positive note, I asked Troy to play guitar for the band and he accepted. Troy is the boyfriend of my co-worker Dianna. I'm glad he accepted. He hasn't had a music project going for years now.

Next, it gets a little weird. For any female readers out there, you may find this disconcerting. Basically, when summer comes around, there are certain things that are titilating to men when we see how women dress. Its really hard not to stare at girls that we find attractive when they put on that ventilated summer dress. I can't help it. I hope its not just me, because I don't want to be seen as a sexual predator. However, I think my close friends who read this will know that I would never violate any woman in a sexual way. To be completely honest, the scantly-clad attire of women in the summer months doesn't make me want to reach out for any kind of "eye candy." It just makes me wonder what it would be like to be intimate with a girl that I find attractive. So thats all it is really. Just fantasy. Fantasies are okay I think, as long as it ends there.

On the other hand, I really do contemplate my chances of getting with any women anymore. It seems like I've become "the gay best friend who isn't actually gay." Thats the best way I can describe it. As much as I appreciate the friendship of my female comrades, I just wish for once I could have the opportunity to pursue a relationship or maybe just experiment? People say that college is supposed to be the best four years of your life. I don't think people mean the academia part of it when they say that. I certainly got my academic part worth it, but I don't feel like I really got out there socially. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I just think thats the person I'm meant to be. But I also don't believe in destiny, so I wonder if I could have made different decisions. Yet again, maybe I wouldn't have excelled academically like I did, had I carped over girls so much.

It seemed like everybody finished their finals today. There were so many cars and parents packing up and hitting the road. Not me. I'm here until saturday, just shooting the fat with whomever and contemplating my demise into true adulthood. Lets face it. College is fake reality. Your life is on hold, but you do have a lot of freedoms. When I say on hold, I mean devoid of financial obligations and silly social calamities. Thats why college kids party so much, because if you partied that much in real life you would be an alcoholic. So this is the time to truly get fucked up and enjoy it for what its worth.

Well Leonel is here and we're talking a lot, so peace.