You remember those kids who would only wear sweatpants in 2nd grade? Yeah I'm that kid.

I've had a great time going to shows in Burlington. I saw this insane hardcore blast-beat band called Ceremony in Winooski a week ago. It was amazing. This band called Another Breath played too and it made me "pogo" up and down. Thats how I know if I like a band. They were that typical melodic hardcore sound, but with a little bit more anger in the vocals and in a lower tuning. I eat that shit up. A local band called I Remember opened up. They were a really progressive hardcore band, but with all that sheer nihilism and anger that makes this music great. Another breath was definitely my style though; fast, abrasive, yet catchy and melodious.

The show I went to tonight was pretty cool. It was at a place called Wasted City on the most obscure street in Colchester. The first band Galen, was pretty heavy with a healthy dosage of maniacal breakdowns. But they also had smooth melodies hidden below the surface in the guitars. I'm such a sucker for that. The next band My America, was really sludgy and angry. Lots of atonal notes and dementing rhythms. I like when bands do that, but I could't wait for them to break into something fast and that never really happened. I almost bought their 7" until I found out in only had one song on it. Bummer. I'll just myspace that ass. The next band, Romans was more of an experimental metal/hardcore/ambient kind of thing. It really wasn't my thing at all. I guess they tour all over the U.S. though. I never heard of them before. But then again, nobody in Rutland ever knew about bands in Burlington, because no band from Burlington would ever bother playing in Rutland. Its so weird how isolated the scenes are and they're only a couple of hours apart. So yeah, I got bored of the Romans and left because I was tired.

I've had a couple of great times hanging out with Miriah and roommates/other friends these past couple of weeks. I got super fucking wasted on her 21st birthday last weekend and somehow dragged myself all the way down to Ri Ra's and got freaky on the dance floor. Thats definitely not me. But when I'm intoxicated, I act like a teeny bopper. It seems like it would be embarassing, but I only remember having a good time. A few days before her birthday party, I met a good friend of hers and we clicked instantly. I won't name any names, because I don't want to freak anybody out, but I really feel like I fell for this girl pretty quickly. Both times I hung out with her, I got super drunk and had a great time. The first time, we went out to Radio Bean and without noticing, due to my drunken stupor, she seemed to be hooking up with this other dude. Yeah he seemed really cool. He had cool facial hair. He didn't look like he was 15 still. He even worked for Bernie Sanders. I was impressed. So we went to some random party later on, but to my surprise, this girl put her number on my phone and gave me a hug before I left. She said we should hang out more. Needless to say, its been pretty hard to hang out with her since. Maybe I just think too hard about things, but it really seems like I always have to call people to initiate a social gathering. Nobody ever calls me. I always feel like I have to invite myself and I really hate doing that. I don't want to be invasive to people's inner circles, but I also want to make new friends in a town where I don't really have any. Make sense? I think its pretty intuitive.

So I didn't see this girl again, until Miriah's birthday party. But I had a great time with her again. We just chatted it up, had some beer and laughed at each other's stupid jokes. She even wanted to come to the store with me to help carry some stuff. it was a really affable thing to do. Later on though, she left go to another party for a while. Thats fine. I was having fun everyone else too. However, I kept wanting her to come back and I kept texting her to see when she would return. She assured me it would be soon, but before I knew it, I was running down to Ri Ra's with Miriah and her friend. But when I came back, she was there and she approached me right away and we were just laughing at each other. Then one of her friends tried to drive away and we stopped him, because he was fucking wasted. Then he wanted to walk to Williston to get some pot and we had to convince him that that was a stupid idea. Sounded like a tough thing to deal with, but the two of us were having a ball laughing at this kid and following him around. I even vaguely remember us embracing for a quick moment as we ran around off our drunk asses. It was great. I don't care how fucking emo that sounds.

Eventually this girl and I passed out on the floor of Miriah's roommate's room. I thought maybe this was the perfect moment to let this girl know that I liked her. But before I knew it, Miriah's roommate came in and told me I couldn't pass out on her floor because I was dirty boy. I really had no intentions of doing anything naughty. I just wanted to be next to this girl. I remember fighting with Miriah's roommate, but she was adamant that I leave and I didn't want to piss her off, so I left and then passed out in their living room. The story of my life. The next day, Miriah's roommate told me that this girl was just being friendly and probably didn't like me. I was pretty devastated to hear that. I mean how does she know what this girl was really thinking about me? Anyways, this girl I liked gave me some aspirin before I left, because she knew how hungover I looked. That was really cool and sweet of her, but maybe it was just because she wanted to be nice, which is entirely possible

Anyways, its been nearly a week since I last spoke with her. I actually had the courage this past Tuesday to call her up and ask her if she wanted to go out sometime, but she didn't pick up and I left a lame-ass voicemail like I always do. She never called me back. Actually that whole crew never calls me. I feel like secretly they despise me and want me to leave when I hang out with them. Maybe this girl also found out that I liked her and now she's freaked out because I'm weird and ugly. I don't know. I'm just depressed, because I thought I had something going. I'm just sick of trying to contact people. I want this girl to call me up and ask me to hang out. That would make my day, but I don't think it'll happen.

FUCK OFF HOMOPHOBES!

http://www.wcax.com/global/Category.asp?c=18197

Check out the video.

A lot of people think that Vermont overall is a place with progressive communities and open-minded people. For the most part, they're right, but its not all null and void. Even in Burlington, people are judged for their sexual orientation.

Last night someone was assaulted at a bar at 2 AM for being gay. Apparently the assailant was mocking the kid by making feminine hand gestures.

While WCAX did cover the story, they put the blame on the victim by claiming that everybody was too drunk to see who attacked him. Thats fucking bullshit. If some gets beat up for being gay and requires 17 stitches to fix their face, then I would send a fucking man hunt out immediately. But currently, Burlington pigs are being fat and lazy. WCAX also happens to question whether it was a hate crime or not, which is bullshit, because the kid is really shooken up and knows that if he was heterosexual it wouldn't have happened. Ugh.

So this should be a wake up call for anybody who thought VT was a completely safe space. Compared to the rest of the country, it may be, but homophobia still exists!

This should give everybody a reason to confront anybody who uses homophobic slang or makes sexist comments. STOP THE HATE!

-Veg

I Am In A World Of Shit

Dear Readers,

This blog will be antagonistic, depressing and overall negative. Worst of all, it will be about myself. I'm sorry to do this, but writing my thoughts down is the best way for me to get things off my chest.

I just had a bad fucking day at work. Of all the important things that you should need at a county fair in the middle of nowhere (Barton, VT), I forgot the fucking canopy tent. If Robyn wasn't there with me, there would have been no way I could have persuaded the organizers to get us inside. But Robyn is older, wiser and more assertive. I want to be like her someday. She probably also knows how to put up a good fight, being a lesbian the majority of her life.

I'm really starting to hate these fucking county fairs or maybe its just the Orleans County Fair. They were definitely trying to swindle us out of our spot. We got there to set up today and the president of the fair wouldn't even look us in the face when we said who we were. What a fucking narrow-minded, biggoted redneck piece of shit. He would hardly even acknowledge our presence. Fortunately for us, I had been talking with a fellow named Marcel Walk for the previous few weeks, one of the other organizers of the fair and he stood up for us. Robyn and I had a feeling that there was a lot of internal politics within the hierarchies of this fair that occasionally bump into each other. So Marcel is a supporter of our cause and he basically got us into Floral Hall and out of the rain. However, the rest of the fair seems to look down on us. I just wish I knew how to persuade them and be assertive like Robyn. If she hadn't been with me today, we would've been totally fucked.

Overall, I'm just really lacking confidence in myself as an organizer. Just today I locked my cell phone inside the office when I left and had to walk all the way back. Maybe I don't think things through. Maybe my professor, Sanjukta was right when she told me I had no brain. I sure don't feel like I do sometimes. To make matters worse, the Orleans Fair is nearly bankrupt every year apparently and that is why they don't give any exhibitors more than two weekly passes. VT Freedom to Marry doesn't work that way however. Each volunteer needs to get in and do their job without any hassle and I have a real bad feeling about the fair starting tomorrow. Apprently the first volunteer hadn't received the two passes in the mail yet, even though I mailed them to her yesterday morning. Apparently the address we had for her in our database was also her work address, not her home one. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? The plan, was to have the volunteers hand over the passes to each other at the main gate, but with the little experience we had just trying to set up today, I'm really fucking worried that we're going to get screwed and that every volunteer will have to buy their own ticket to get in, meaning that we'll have to reimburse them. Its fucking annoying. If you're an exhibitor, you shouldn't need a fucking pass.

I just want to punch a fucking wall. Or maybe my face. But I won't do the latter. I'm over that. Self-mutilation is not good for you. I'm just so fucking scared that I will not get everything done the right with this job and they will fire me. I mean how would it sound if a college graduate got fired from his first "real" job? Wouldn't sound good to me. I just don't want to be a fuck-up. Maybe organizing for a civil rights organization is not my thing. Maybe I was just good at writing protests songs. Too bad music doesn't make a living for most people. Especially if you like hardcore punk. Theres no money in being honest with yourself. Most dreams don't come true, because we live in a society that suppresses individual thought and creativity. Just keep your mouth shut, go to your dead-end job, watch tv, reproduce, drink, repeat. So many people get caught up in it and I don't blame them. You want to survive and you do it at the mercy of fat, privileged, white christian zealotous capitalists. Its fucking disgusting.

I just want to be at a show right now. Or maybe playing in a band. Pumping my fist in the air and yelling at the top of my lungs. And seriously fuck the northeast kingdom in Vermont. There is so much bullshit in small-town mentality. Barton disgust me. Do you have to wear carhartts, working boots and sport a dirt stache to live there? Am I crazy when I say that? Do you also have to be a fucking trendy hippy, college student to live in Burlington? Burlington is so fucking far away from Barton, VT. There completely opposite worlds. People in Barton think Burlington is a big city. I guess 40,000 people is a lot. Maybe they should go to Boston, where their population is that of VT (600,000). There are so many hot girls in Burlington, but they're all into fashion or being "one with the earth" or putting people down because they can't afford to buy organic food all the time. Where the fuck do I fit in anyways? I can't wait until Unrestrained comes back from tour. I really hope Derek and Ryan were sincere when they said they wanted to start a project with me. That kind of interaction would surely save me from the hipster, art student, asian tea drinking scene on church street. Fuck it all.

Ummm...hmmm. Anything good happening lately? I finally got to hang out with Miriah and her roommate Erica this past saturday. Too bad they were both too tired to drink. I was really looking forward to fucking myself up real good. But yeah, its not like anybody ever calls me and asks to hang out up here. I always have to go out of my way to arrange something. Maybe I'm the friend that nobody likes, like in that Dane Cook joke. I've always been that way. My mom used to bring me to the park when I was a little tike, to hang out with other kids in the sandbox and withing five minutes, the whole place would clear out, leaving me to dig my own holes. Do I make people uncomfortable? Am I incredibly boring or self-righteous? Seriously, just let me know.

Now I don't feel like writing anymore, cuz I'm pissed off.

Consistencies

The sound of rain is all too frequent lately. There is no break between intense humidity and the delicate pitter patter of the sky's tears. I am constantly eluding brief moments of pestering heat and moisture by going in and out of air-conditioned stores and the fans in my room. The hustle and bustle of people is neverending. In a way it depresses me. We're all part of the rat race, clenching on to that last bit of monetary gain, work our asses off and then repeating it all over again. Yeah how the fuck can I complain? At least I have a job and a place to call home. But thats not really what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the repetiveness of it all and the lack of real adventure. Of course this exhausting duration of consistencies is momentarily cured by a guzzle of beer and a new record I purchase, but there is something still missing. It could be the lack of new people I've met up here that I can call friend, or the lack of a female counterpart. I do have to say that it was really cool to hang out with Jess yesterday though. I hadn't seen her since graduation in May. It fell good traverse the area with someone I've had a history with and understood exactly what I was talking about. I am very grateful for that, but I also need to create new histories to stop any ominous future.

This past tuesday, I drove over to Williston to see a hardcore show in a haunted warehouse full of copious amounts of kitchen appliances and broken-down scooters. The show was in an upstairs room, that is apparently used by many groups as a practice space. I tried to wander around and find interesting conversations to jump into, but it was really hard. Everybody that was there already had their tight-knit social clique. Alas, I found Zeke, the former drummer of Unrestrained. He was always approachable and friendly. We talked about embarrassing bands we'd been in and what we hoped to be part of next. I guess he was never really that excited about playing hardcore and expressed that his favorite band was Jawbreaker. But he also likes ALL and the Descendents, which I consider hugely influential. I decided to go upstairs eventually and just wait for the first band to play. They were called Lowest of Tides and definitely didn't fit in with the crowd of hardcore-frenzied folk. But that doesn't matter to me. I watched them with all the respect they deserve for going up there and playing what makes them happy. Was it really my thing? Not at all. However, I could tell that they were there simply because they enjoyed being artists and making music that satisfied their creative appetites. Thats the problem sometimes with these hardcore and punk circles: sometimes they become just as close-minded as the people they supposedly rebel against. Its quite funny actually.

So the rest of the bands were definitely more aggressive and full of nihilism and speed. I got pumped. I ran around, jumped off walls and contorted my body in ways that would be publicly amusing. But it didn't matter how ridiculous I looked. I was finally in my zone. I was able to get all of the previous week's anxieties and stress out of my body with that single lightning-fast drum beat and searing guitar. It was beautiful. Hardcore has the ability to bring everybody together in the most chaotic mess possible. We are all there, because we don't fit in with the rest of the world. We espouse to something that is not pretty or easily digestible. It honest, down to earth and somehow brutal without allowing any violence or degradation. Simply put, its aggressive, yet poignant and fullfilling. There is nothing like it. No other kind of music makes my body and mind act the way hardcore does. It gives me more confidence to stand up to the injustices of the world. While the scene may not be as organized as any "professional" body for change, it plants the seeds necessary for a real, authentic lifestyle that challenges corporate America and its all encompassing hierarchies hell-bent on profit. Its amazing.

I really liked all the bands that night, especiallu Wait In Vain and Unrestrained, but what I wasn't ready for, was a surprise performance by My Revenge! Now if you didn't know this, the band previously announced a few months earlier that they would be breaking up and playing their last show on July 19th. That is exactly what happened, but for some reason, all members of My Revenge! somehow showed up at this show without planning anything beforehand. They wanted to play a few songs that they didn't get a chance to play the week before. What happened next was probably the shortest, yet most exciting performance I had ever seen. They played three songs from their first demo tape that came out in 2001, while two people in the crowd starting hurling mattresses around. It was great. Someon ever pulled Mike's pants down as he was about to hurl the thing at the band (Unrestrained's drummer for their upcoming tour). Spencer, the vocalist for My Revenge and avid marriage equality supporter was so funny. He talked about how "young an naive" they had been a week ago to break up, amidst their sudden hardcore stardom. He mentioned their next reunion would be when Unrestrained came back from tour. It seemed like a joke, but to My Revenge, they lived for pranking and joking, all the while trying to get an important message out. I love them.

So today I decided to go grocery shopping for the first time in my young, adult life. Yeat it souns pathetic, but it happened. I had no idea what to get, but the list ended up being tortilla chips, spinach and artichoke hummus, vegan burritos, diet pepsi, organic pasta, thai noodles and some chips. Really fucking lame. The prospect of going to work for five days straight also seems lame, but also reassuring, as I am getting so much experience in the field of non-profits and community organized. I've also started reading Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle" and have recently become acquainted with an extremely innovative band called Modern Life Is War. I want to call the hardcore punk, but they play at a very mid-paced tempo and they have no breakdowns, solo sections or choruses really. Its not predictable at all. Its ugly and mind-bending. They must surely surprise every band in this scene that can become stagnant. Good for them. Check them out at www.myspace.com/modernlifeiswar. Oh yeah, I want to see the new X-Files movie tonight. To spend more money or not to spend more money?