I Fucking Love Montreal

I finally had my first good weekend since I've moved up to Burlington. This past Saturday, I went up with a bunch of friends to Montreal to celebrate my friend Ryan's birthday (singer of Unrestrained...which if you haven't checked out yet, then shame on you!). Also in the group was Phil, the bass player from Unrestrained, his girlfriend Annalise, Taylor, Nate, Tori, Mike (is playing drums in my new band) and this guy with huge gauged ear that everybody calls the Reverend. Even before we left Colchester I knew it would be a great trip when Ryan proudly stole a Vermont t-shirt from a gas station and claimed that he was so college.

First off, we didn't get through the border smoothly at all. After we gave the dude our passports, he questioned us intensely about our intentions to go into Canada. He even asked us if we had automatic weapons and cocain. I couldn't stop giggling. It was just so silly. So he took our passports and told us to pull around to the side and come into the border patrol office, where they made us wait for 15 minutes, until they gave us back our passports. They must have been doing background checks or something. Anyways, this was bugging the shit out of Ryan and Phil, because they had made reservations at this place in downtown Montreal to play group laser tag at 9:40 PM and we were still more than an hour aways and it was already past 8. Funny thing was, Nate was driving the other car with Tori, Mike and the Reverend right behind us and they went through just fine, which is weird, because Mike is fucking loud and obnoxious and Nate has huge dreads and looks like he deals marijuana.

So we finally pull into the city an hour and a half later and we have fucking 5 minutes to find a parking space and get to the laser tag place. Ryan kept calling them asking if they would wait five more minutes and they agreed, but even after we finally found a parking space and walked four blocks, we still showed up late, but thankfully another group had cancelled! Fucking luck was on our side that night.

Now onto laser tag. First off, I haven't played the game since I was in middle school and it was some lame ass set-up at Rutland High School and all the 7th graders got to ride up in a bus. Anyway, I got the horribly embarassing score of 88, which was the second to worst score out of the whole group (aside from Annalise, who got a 57, but I don't think she was really into the game). Apparently I only got 8 hits on anybody else throughout the whole game. However, the Vermont group annhiliated the local French Canadian group. I think that had something to with Ryan. He was acting like that fucking drill sgt. from Full Metal Jacket. Anyways, I did hit Nate 4 times, who for some reason was the only Vermonter on the French Canadian team (they had green blinking lights and we had red blinking lights). I think he was pissed, because his name in the game was Battle Axe and second of all I totally fucking suck, and he didn't get one hit on me. The actualy laser tag complex was fucking awesome. It was four floors high and had fucking smoke machines everywhere, so I felt like I was Metal gear solid. There were also flashing lights everywhere and all these sniper holes and shooting glitter. In a way, it reminded me of the Agro Crag from Global guts (does anybody remember that show?). I had such a good time. Mike was fucking crazy too. He kept leaping and making these diving shots at the Canadians (plus Nate).

So after laser tag, we slowly made our way down to Fouf's, which is this awesome Punk Rock bar/club. Ryan wanted everybody to get drunk on his birthday, which is funny because he's edge. The Reverend was edge too. Afterall, who would want to see a drunk priest (actually that would be fucking hilarious)? On the way down, we ran into my new friends from Montreal, Jess and Bex, who always come down to hardcore shows in Burlington. They are so cool. They even sat with the lame-ass vegans of the group, which consisted of me, Taylor and the Reverend. They have surprising plain English for living in the only french-speaking province in Canada. Now that I think of it, I've never seen Jess or Bex speaking french to each other. Maybe because it would alienate us dumbass Americans? Probably.

So Fouf's was really fucking rowdy and loud. The minute I walk in there, they're playing Rise Above by Black Flag. SWEET. I felt right at home until I realized how expensive beer is in Canada. Most of the good beer was near $5 or $6 a glass, so I had to settle for the shitty Molson Dry which was $2.50. And suprisingly, Budweiser was all the rage there, which I totally don't get it. Budweiser is the fucking Wal-Mart to the beer industry. They're a monopoly and they fuck over small breweries. It also tastes like mokey piss, which should stop you from supporting them. Anyways, Canadians seem to love the watered-down crap liquid. I've heard through the vine that Budweiser is the most popular import in London. Really? WTF.

Fouf's is surprisingly massive. Ther are three floors to the place, the 2nd and 3rd floord being smaller bars, with adjacent show spaces, that everybody was just dancing in, because there weren't any live bands that night. Thats a bummer. I would've loved to see some Canadian punk and hardcore. Anyways, the DJ just played a bunch of ska, which was kinda lame, but fun to dance to I guess. Actually Ryan started bumping and grinding every single person he saw, including this poor dude in the corner of the room was puking guts out. It was so funny to see al these meatheads try to do a circle pit to Sum 41. To be honest, it seemed like they were at a football practice. All of us just stood by and watched. Bex and Jess kept mocking them and did surprisingly better!

Eventually Bex and Jess got sick of the bar scene and said goodbye. They are officially my favorite Canadians. There was also this other girl named Lindsay from Montreal that showed up at the bar, but I didn't know her too well. She seemed infatuated with Phil and Ryan. A few times, I actually felt bad for Annalise, as I watched Lindsay jump on Phil's back, but yeah they were just being friends. So finally, me, Mike, Taylor, Phil and Nate were pretty drunk, so we all left and decided to cause a ruckus in the streets. It first started when we lost sight of Phil and all of a sudden he came out of nowhere holding a door. So Ryan grabbed it and took it to the nearest huge set of stairs, which happened to be a marble staircase in front of some government building, wher Ryan decided to surf down the staircase on the door. It was so fucking awesome to see him do that in the middle of big city in front of all these people. Next, we decided it was time block traffic. We found the massive street cones that were like four feet tall and when no cars were coming, we blocked off one end of St. Catherine Street and then ran behind some bushes to see what the line of cars would do. They all fucking took the left hand turn! Not a single person got out and moved a cone! SUCCESS! We did this several more times and were successful everytime. Serioulsy though. Where were all the Montreal cops? I never once heard even one siren come on in the distance. Must be all the wine shops and eclairs... That wasn't even the end of the tom-foolery. At one point, after I went to the bathroom at a subway, I cam back out onto the street find Mike, Ryan and Phil pushing a huge dumpster into the middle of the street. They started running away and told me to follow them. Yeah, those Unrestrained dudes are fucking crazy.

Eventually, it was almost 4 in the morning and we finally decided to leave to go back to the U.S. Nobody wanted Ryan to drive back, because apparently he says really dumb shit to the U.S. border patrol people....and he really did. When we finally got to the border and the guy asked us what we were doing in Canada, Ryan told him he were buying hookers with counterfeit money and fake credit cards. The guys looked at him really weird and confused. Then he asked what we had in the car and Ryan grrabbed my Snapple and told him I had crack tea. I freaked the shit out at first, but then started laughing when I realized the border patrol officer was really annoyed looking, probably because he was so tired. Then Ryan called Taylor an Oger. Finally the guy was sick of Ryan's shit and gave us back our passports. I really surprised he didn't make us pull over to the side and get out like the Canadian border patrol. So much for Homeland Security!

So we finally got back to Burlington at nearly 6 AM and I went right to bed and passed out and woke up at 2 PM. I had such a fucking good time in Montreal. I really hope they invite me on more trips like that.