Some may call what I did last night drunken belligerency. I call it a good time. Then again, what constitutes an intoxicated night of fun? First off, you have to get drunk by spending as little money as possible. In my case, this was $8. I went out and bought a six-pack of Long Trail Doublebag (if you don't live in Vermont, basically all you need to know is that you get really fucked up from this brew). This exotic blend of malt and wheat is 8% percent alcohol. Thats a lot for beer. So if you want to get really drunk from Doublebag all you have to do is drink it all really fast and then bum shots of cheap vodka off people you just met and you're good to go for the night.

Dorm life isn't all about glorious drunken escapades. For those of you who have not been inundated with its various facets, you're not missing out. First off, lets examin the community bathroom. This is a cesspool of microorganisms and bodily fluids. Never touch anything on a toilet with your hand. Thats just asking for crabs. I took a picture of the toilet once on my floor and posted it on myspace. Apparently the picture violated their terms of agreement. Thats how nasty community bathrooms are. There is always some random substance that you've never seen before and it always looks like excrement from some distant planet. My biggest gripe is the fact the men can't seem to pee into the toilet. Apparently its easier to pee on it (or defecate.....depends on your inebriated state). My favorite occurence happens when I go to take a shower and find pasta sitting neatly piled on the drain. Who the fuck does that? And how can I forget that orange puke in the sink. That place was uninhabitable for nearly a week (like it ever was inhabitable).

At one point or another, the stairwells of your building will smell like a dumpster and will probably be covered in DNA. This is more common the older your dorm is. There is some psychological implication to treat your dorm worse the older it is. I guess people feel less concerned about property when its already in a state of decay. I can see that logic. And if you lucky enough to have an elevator, it will soon be penetrated by cigarettes, rotten apples and used condoms. You may also find a half full can of keystone light placed delicately above the movable ceiling, as well as a half-eaten bagel.

The kitchen. Oh the kitchen. Don't cook there. Its not good for your health. I try not to even breathe in that capsule of filth. Unless you're okay with rotten bacon wedged into the drain or erratic spillage in every conceivable crack and crevice, I would just go out to a diner. It is also common to see the microwave in a perpetual state of submersion in the various substances of easy mac, ramen noodles or instant oatmeals. The spills sit long enough to get hard. The garbage can is also usually overflowing with beer cans and their carboard containers. You can usually find a piece of clothing covered in shit too. But don't stare at the trash too long. It could damage your cornea.

Today is mother's day. My dad says I need to come over and have some ice-cream cake. Sounds like a plan. No more dorm talk. It makes me sick to my stomache and eventually my bowels.

Oh yeah. Listen to Bane.