Fuck

Life has become complicated and stressful lately. It has also become spontaneous and full of surprises, good and bad. Music tends to be the once constant; the only real thing that keeps me together. I honestly don't think I'd have even half the motivation to wake up in the morning, if it weren't for my friends and community in the hardcore and punk scene. I've become so bitter and depressed by what I face on a daily basis, that I'd probably just die if I couldn't pick up my bass and freak out on stage. In a way, it's pathetic. I can't face my demons without music.

I should be happy with all the experiences I've had musically. All the places I've seen and all the supportive people I've met, are memories that won't fade with age. I'm in this for life. At the same time, I find myself lonely. I hate the "woe is me" shit usually, but I need to get this off my chance.

Recently I met a girl who attends UVM. My friend Colin, who I met through shows in Burlington (who also unfortunately moved back to New Jersey), introduced me to her. We'd hang out here and there and see each other shows. We began to hang out more frequently with each other and I began to develop feelings for her. Colin agreed that she seemed to be interested in me. I wanted to do something genuine and from the heart to show here how I felt. So while she was on winter break from UVM, I coaxed her into giving me her home address in Connecticut. I told her I wanted to send her a letter and she seemed really excited.

Yes, you're right. I hand-wrote a letter, telling her how I felt and that I'd love to have something more than a friendship. I even made her a mixtape. An actual cassette tape. I drew flaming unicorns on the cover and even made liner notes! Admittedly, I was stoked. With the entire entourage, I included a self-addressed, stamped envelope, so that she could write back. I had my neighbor Annalise proof-read the note and got the seal of approval.

This girl did write back, but she said that she was already involved with someone. I couldn't believe it. I was so sure of the whole situation. I thought my single streak was finally over. She went on to say how much of nice guy I was and how I would definitely find a girl soon. Yeah, right. I've been hearing that for the past three and a half years. Apparently being nice hasn't gotten me anywhere! Girls want to play hard-to-get. They want a douche-bag. It's like they need a project to work on. Why bother dating anybody who actually has a job already, volunteers in the community and would do anything for his friends? Girls don't like that apparently. Time to give up.

To make matters worse, this past weekend on the Crucial Times/No Love Lost weekend tour, I sold a demo tape to her boyfriend at our show in Hartford, Connecticut. What are the odds!? He was a really nice guy. I'm happy for him, but I still didn't want to run into him. Hell I didn't even want him to like my band or buy a demo. Fuck my life.

The hard part, is that this girl still wants to be my friend. Trust me, I want that too, but let's face it; I already have enough friends girls! No more friends. Time to go on dates and make out. That is 100% what I want. Maybe I'm too introverted. Maybe I hate bars. Maybe I like shitty music. I don't know what to do anymore. Apparently I can't date. There will be no grandchildren for my parents. They're gonna have to count on my sister for that! She's already engaged and I'm three years older than her!

Whatever. I'll shut the fuck up now. I'm lucky. I get to be on the road for 14 days with three of the coolest and funniest dudes in hardcore. I get to play shows in a different country and see places I've never seen before.

I could have it a lot worse.