Fuck Bears

Today I had one of my breakdowns. It tends to happen if I forget to take my medicine for more than a couple of days. Its not that I don't intend on taking my medicine, I'm just always on the go and its easy to forget to pop a couple of white capsules in your mouth.

First, I realized Weight of the World had to drop off the May 23rd show at 242 main. Bruce got promoted at work, because one of the line-cooks got fired, so by default he takes place. Only bad part, is that now he has to work friday or they will be seriously screwed. I really wish employers had more respect for their employee's various activities. This show has been booked for more than a few weeks and I just feel really let down when you're expected to just drop your activities to fulfill capitalistic motives. On a more positive note, I asked Troy to play guitar for the band and he accepted. Troy is the boyfriend of my co-worker Dianna. I'm glad he accepted. He hasn't had a music project going for years now.

Next, it gets a little weird. For any female readers out there, you may find this disconcerting. Basically, when summer comes around, there are certain things that are titilating to men when we see how women dress. Its really hard not to stare at girls that we find attractive when they put on that ventilated summer dress. I can't help it. I hope its not just me, because I don't want to be seen as a sexual predator. However, I think my close friends who read this will know that I would never violate any woman in a sexual way. To be completely honest, the scantly-clad attire of women in the summer months doesn't make me want to reach out for any kind of "eye candy." It just makes me wonder what it would be like to be intimate with a girl that I find attractive. So thats all it is really. Just fantasy. Fantasies are okay I think, as long as it ends there.

On the other hand, I really do contemplate my chances of getting with any women anymore. It seems like I've become "the gay best friend who isn't actually gay." Thats the best way I can describe it. As much as I appreciate the friendship of my female comrades, I just wish for once I could have the opportunity to pursue a relationship or maybe just experiment? People say that college is supposed to be the best four years of your life. I don't think people mean the academia part of it when they say that. I certainly got my academic part worth it, but I don't feel like I really got out there socially. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I just think thats the person I'm meant to be. But I also don't believe in destiny, so I wonder if I could have made different decisions. Yet again, maybe I wouldn't have excelled academically like I did, had I carped over girls so much.

It seemed like everybody finished their finals today. There were so many cars and parents packing up and hitting the road. Not me. I'm here until saturday, just shooting the fat with whomever and contemplating my demise into true adulthood. Lets face it. College is fake reality. Your life is on hold, but you do have a lot of freedoms. When I say on hold, I mean devoid of financial obligations and silly social calamities. Thats why college kids party so much, because if you partied that much in real life you would be an alcoholic. So this is the time to truly get fucked up and enjoy it for what its worth.

Well Leonel is here and we're talking a lot, so peace.