Always Afraid

I just realized I never made a point to talk about the movie Mike and I put together a couple of months ago. I think it came out really good. For those of you who don't get a chance to see it, its based on a hypothetical totalitarian society (actually Rutland, VT). The plot is relatively simple, but with a complex underlying theme of fascist and oppressive social institutions. In the film, two guys in a relationship are subjugated to daily humiliation and threats from authority for being gay. I don't want to give the whole thing away, so if you want a copy I suggest you contact Mike on his blog "flummage," and maybe he'll burn you a copy. If anything, he should put it up on youtube (its barely a half hour).

I would say that Ryan had the most natural acting out of all of us. Even Jess, who had the shortest role did better than me. Theres just something about hearing your voice recorded that makes you cringe (or makes me cringe anyways). At times it actually sounds like I have a lispe, which is fine considering I was playing a gay character, but Ryan is gay in real life and he doesn't have a lispe! Well I guess not all stereotypes are true. I didn't see him flick his wrist once either or decorate his apartment with Christina Aguilera posters or pink drapery. He's the most heterosexual gay dude I've ever met. Haha. Stereotypes can be funny. But they shouldn't be enforced. Oh shit, I'm a hypocrite.

Aside from my lackluster acting performance, I think Mike did a great job shooting the whole thing and editing it. It has a real cinema verite feel to it, which is good. Some of the shots are rather continuous with few cuts for several minutes. I always like movies like that. They're more realistic. Although somehow Mike was able to have an aerial shot of Ryan walking downtown, through the vision of a security camera, where his profile was brought up showing his criminal charges. That was wicked cool. I don't remember doing anything like that in videoworkshop. But then again, I wasn't allowed to edit, because I sucked hardcore at it and nobody wanted me to fuck up there project. I also didn't enjoy using Final Cut either. Too tedious and boring. I guess its not for everybody.

There are, however, some rather obvious discontinuity errors. For example, when Ryan and I go back to the apartment after our talk four weeks later after getting out of prison, I suddenly have long hair again and pants. I was thankfully wearing the same Jonee Band shirt. And then later on, when Ryan gets arrested for the final time, you can clearly see snow outside, even though an earlier shot there was none at all and it looked like late spring. Oh well. Its not like we had a budget or schedule that was conveniant. However, Mike spelled my last name wrong in the credits. Its "Kimball," not Kimble. I've also seen people spell it as "kimbell." Oh well. He's forgiven. He's a great kid to work with anyways.

I'm really digging the Shook Ones album I got. Check them out at www.myspace.com/shookones. Also check out Wake Up Call from Maine. Just got their album too. Its only 16 minutes long and has 11 songs. Angry hardcore with big breakdowns. Shook Ones is more melodious and super fast, but the singer sounds a lot like Kid Dynamite.

The Day I Entered The World (The Apocalypse Is Coming)

So apparently today is my birthday. Its really fucking hot outside. I guess thats what you get for being born in a summer month. Way to go mom and dad! Couldn't you have a picked a better day! You should have had sex at least a month earlier. So right now I'm chilling in the basement at home, because its really fucking cool down here. I decided to pull out A Wilhelm Scream. I haven't listened to them in a long time. Not probably since Chris Laplante told me to buy their albums a few years ago. Anyway, they fucking rule. I guess I stopped listening to them, because they have amazing "guitarmonies" and dueling axes, which makes me sad, because I can't write that well. Either way, their songs are really fast and the lyrics are poignant. Not to mention, they're from Boston. Its hard not to like a lot of Boston bands. I could probably play bass for them if they knew who I was and gave a fuck.

So I went up to Burlington on thursday and got to work out of the office of Vermont Freedom To Marry. Apparently I'm getting my own desk, computer and company cell phone. So far the work seems a bit intimidating. My first task is to get VT Freedom To Marry into ever major 4th of July Parade/Festival statewide and to get volunteers interested in being there. I have to use Microsoft excel to organize all the major events. I also have to get on the phone with chambers of commerce, fill out parade applications and find out about parade routes, meeting times, etc. Its a little bit daunting and a little nerve-racking, but I have to put this into perspective: I'm not working for corporate America and I'm fighting for civil rights. I guess I couldn't ask for more. Even the pay is pretty decent, minus the fact that they can't provide me with health care coverage.

The only thing that sucked about thursday, was that I left the flash drive with my assignments for friday in the RU12 building where the office is. Fortunately enough, Robyn (the field director) was at a nearby bar and was able to give me the key to get in. I also had to enter a security code, so I wouldn't trip the security alarm. I'm pretty sure I entered the code right, but when I opened the door, I hear this annoying buzzing sound. Well anyways, I just grabbed the flash drive and got the fuck out of there. Later on, when I was leaving the parking deck, I noticed on the ticket screen that it said "burglary in Ctr. Burlington." I guess thats for police cars to see. I really fucking hope that wasn't me. What a great ending to an otherwise good day.

I also had a chance to check out the apartment on elmwood avenue, which is the same street as the office. The lady who was moving out was there, but the other roomies weren't there, which was a bummer. She gave me the number for this guy named Paul who also lives there. Apparently he's a doctor. It doesn't seem like the kind of place a doctor would live, but maybe he's young and starting out. Well I called and left a message, but he hasn't called back. That seems to be commonplace so far.

Well fuck it, I don't feel like writing anymore. Oh but, therebuttal.com did eventually post my last article and they'll be publishing another one I just finished last night. Check it.

Faux Meat

Well its 10:14 PM and I'm eating a chic-pea burger. Not sure how I feel about it. Kind of dense. Not a lot of juice to it, but nothing compares to real cow flesh does it? Bruce and KT came over today (Bruce and I had band practice) and we made polenta. Its kind of like masa harina, but more like corn gritz to the average person. Anyway, its not quite as healthy as it sounds. He just had to buy whole milk to keep it all together, mixed with some butter and a dash of onions. It was quite tasty, but I think my heart is screaming. Oh well. Life is short, go fuck yourself.

Mike came by the Coop yesterday to give me a copy of "Always Afraid," the movie I star in. I havn't had time to watch it yet, but it must be amazing, considering my sexy body is gracing the screen. I helped Mike write the screenplay and we shot it a couple of months ago with a kid named Ryan, who was my fictitous gay partner. I guess Mike just finished editing it. I wanted to call it "Prison Society," but I guess that name wasn't hollywood enough for him. Haha. Well I hope he shows its at Castleton State College in the upcoming semester. That way I will be engrained in their minds forever!

The apartment search is just as slow as the job search was. I'm pretty sure, Robyn McGuire, the field director for Vermont Freedom To Marry is returning to work tomorrow and I'm probably going to be hearing some details from her. I'm not sure what they have in store for me, but its pretty clear that I don't have a concrete place to stay yet. I'm thinking of checking in with that Marla girl. She was wicked cool, the apartment had great proximity to downtown Burlington and it was the cheapest of them all. My mom and I went to check out a ranch house near highe ground that had a cheap room for rent. It was a quiet residential area and the gy Greg who is living there seemed wicked chill. I guess thats an option. I found a couple more peeps to email today. One place on Pine street. Still within walking distance to downtown. Thats basically what I'm looking for.

My dad is so fucking crazy. I think he has a lot of insecurities, because he obcesses over keeping things clean and orderly. If I misplace one fucking spoon, I swear the mood of this house goes down tenfold. I guess thats a clear indication thats it time to move out. But he seems to have become more crotchedy over the years. I don't know what it is, but nothing is good enough for him and he rarely admits to his own mistakes. Its too bad, because not everybody does things his way. Its called cooperation. I guess he's given up on that. It just sucks, because he works all day and then comes home and goes off on somebody for leaving a fucking soda can open somehwere. I mean come on, we're not fucking slobs (well my sister is....well her room is).

I don't have much else to say. Although these phone calls are a bit tiresome for work. There are times I feel like a telemarketer, but at least I'm not actually selling anything. Its for equal rights and I think people need to be bothered when it comes to that.

Oh yeah, while Troy, Bruce and I were practicing today, somebody sent in a noise complaint and sent a fucking pig over to the place. I guess we'll try practicing in the basement next time. But seriously, we've played in there so many times before and this hasn't happened before. Fuck people. I guess there is a Rutland City ordinance that says there can't be any loud noise ever...all day. Fuck this place. That gives me an even better excuse to move to Burlington. Every ounce of creativity and expression is suppressed here. A couple of years ago I put a bunch of flyers up and I got a call from the police saying I had to take them down or pay a $900 fine. Thats such an eroneous number. They must have had to balance the budget or something. Well anyways, if you go to Burlington the culture is vibrant and full of energy. There is always stuff happening and there is ALWAYS people everywhere. Not to mention and abundance of flyers about anything and everything you ever needed to know about. FUCK RUTLAND, VT. DO NOT MOVE HERE. YOU WILL BE SORRY.

Escalators Are Not Temporarily Out Of Service, But Temporarily Staircases

Its overwhelmingly apparent to me that I will not be able to update my blog daily, as I had previously interjected. My life is in a seemingly assiduous array of constant activity. For the past two days, I've been struggling with finishing my short-lived career at the Rutland Natural Foods Market, beginning my work for the Vermont Freedom To Marry Task Force and somehow finishing last-minute events with the Student Peace Alliance of Rutland County. I'm starting to see why adult life isn't as ostentatious as it appears in the movies.

On a lighter note, I hiked up to the Deer Leap outlook last saturday before my life got so hectic suddenly. It was beautiful and surreal. Its so refreshing to be in a place where the destructive elements of human "civilization" have not yet taken over. It was great to look up to the sky and see only trees and wildlife; not buildings and noise. The smell of pine was particularily "arousing" as we reached the top of the outlook. I did however manage to keep my clothes on. I do have to say, however, that I am quite out of shape. It has been a few years since I've attempted to scale that rock, as evident in inconspicuous breathing pattern (i.e. I could barely breath).

So Vermont Freedom To Marry seems like it will be an intense job. Or maybe it just seems intense at the moment, because I'm in this crossroad where I'm trying to juggle the imminent move to burlington, with a few commitments here in Rutland, my financial situation, my license needs renewing, sizzle is still fat, etc. I'm just stressed at the moment in trying to make this transition smoothly. Sheryl Rapee-Adams, who will be colleague in this job, brought me down to a volunteers dinner in Bennington last night and I have to say I was blown away by the cohesiveness of their movement down there. So much energy and so much hope. It was inspiring.

Sheryl is a quirky but cool lady. She loves cats and is a massage therapist. She's also one of the first relatively privileged white women that I've ever met that can admit she has a prejudice and bias because of her class position. That was really cool to know, because a lot of people who advocates for certain areas of social justice tend to be a littel full of themselves and are usually living a cushy life-style as it is. However, alot of these people are the only ones who can make the difference, because they have the time and money to do it. So its definitely a double-edged sword.

I went up to Burlington on tuesday with my sister intending to search for cheap-ass apartments and I was marginally successful. I spent the bulk of my time, however, rustling through Pure Pop Records and Downtown Discs, looking for cool "slabs-o-wax," but surprisingly fell short. I settled with a soy-latte at starbucks and a collection of essays by Howard Zinn, called "A Power Governments Cannot Suppress." Just as Allyson (my sister) and I hopped into the car to go back to Rutland, that girl Marla called and said I could come over and check out the apartment. Luckily it was only a block away on Pearl St.

I found it surprisingly clean for the three female inhabitants and found Marla modest and wholesome. She was really laid-back and kind of had a hippy zeal going on for her. I couldn't tell if she was one of those poser hippies or not, but at this point its not important considering the low-cost of rent. She said there was only one other perosn she was considering and they were a "maybe" anyways. I hope Marla picks me, because 1) she's young 2) the apartment is in a great location and 3) they get some free utilities and its right above a pizza place and laundramat. It doesn't get much better. However, she says the move-in date would be July 1st, meaning I would need to find some temporary housing for my job, because I'm not driving back and forth between Rutland and Burlington, considering the cost of dead dinosaurs (well thats part of what fuel is, but I think it sounds funny to say that).

There a quite a few complexities with the VFTM job and that is mainly the fact that they use excel for the timesheets and reimbursement sheets, which puts me in a pickle because the lates version of Microsoft office for MAC is 2004 and I've already had trouble trying to open files from Sheryl, who has the 2007 version. Beth Robinson (the chair person of VFTM) said that there is a computer and phone that I can use in the Burlington office when I get all situated. Not to mention the phone issue. Part of my job requires that I call an extensive amount of volunteers (sometimes 300), when there is a house party coming up or some other event that they may be interested in. VFTM will pay for the extra minutes I use for the job, but at the moment I'm really out of the loop about my cell plan, because my parents have been paying for it for the past two years and I'm on their family plan. Sounds like I need to get my own plan.

I just need to get through all the bullshit and get settled in somewhere in Burlington!

How Can I Not?

It seems as though I'm leaning towards the direction of taking this job with the Vermont Freedom To Marry Task Force. This really gives me an impetus to leave this shithole known as Rutvegas and really get a chance to meet different people and fight for real genuine change (sorry, but chanting "unity" at a punk rock show does little but develope cammraderie within your cohort).

No benefits does suck, but it has become apparent that this is very common for young people. If you're out of college, and trying to gain an entry-level job, the chance of decent benefits seems slim. I've looked into the Green Mountain Care program in Vermont and this seems like an option worth pursuing. Basically, this is affordable healthcare for any individual who previously lost coverage, i.e. college grads and people who got laid off from their job. I should look into it. Then again, Canada isn't too far away...

I definitely wouldn't be living alone, unless it was one room for rent, which is something I've also considered. But I think 13.50 an hour with a few roommates in a decent apartment might work out. But in all honesty, I'm low maintenence. I don't own many things at all (besides a few hundred CDs and records and clothes). I've become a minimilist over the years and realized its much more comfortable to live with less clutter and innate objects I don't need. Unlike a lot of people my age, you can actually see the floor I live on.

So I just called this girl named Marla in Burlington. She is looking to fill a three bedroom apartment above the radio deli and leonardo's pizza (great places!). Its $325/month with a possibility of only $70 additionally in utilities. They do however get free interent and cable and theres a laundramat right across the street. This would be a great gig! She seems rather cool for the few minutes I talked to her. On the classified ad on craigslist.com, it says that she likes to drink and party and is wicked laid-back. Sounds like a sweet deal. I think I'll try and head up to Burlington on tuesday to check the place out.

Either way, a job as field organizer for VT Freedom To Marry would be excellent experience and would look good in the future on my resume. I think I'm gonna have to take this job....but I havn't made my final decision yet.

By the way, I can't stop listening to Kid Dynamite. Thank you Dr. Yemen!

So Things Have Changed

Alot has changed since my last post. I got this part-time job at the Natural Foods Market as a cashier dude and then I come home this morning to find a voicemail on my phone from the Vermont Freedom To Marry Task Force offering me the job. Thing is, I'd have to move to Burlington. It would be $13.50 an hour and I basically don't have good benefits, besides the fact that I'm fighting for gay rights and marriage equality. They would however pay for my phone bills and gas mileage. Am I ready to do this? Someone give me some advice, because I'm a little freaked. Life really does come at you fast. What would moving to Burlington mean? I certainly do know how adversely it would affect my musical endeavors. Its already hard enough to find practice time for the three of us. Maybe it will turn into a once in a blue moon thing. Not to mention the two shows that I've been helping to plan for SPARC this summer and our film night on June 3rd. Oh yeah and if I take the job, now I have to go back on my word to the Coop. Suggestions?

A Stain On The Underpants Of Society

Things are exactly as I expected: stagnant and unchanging. I sit home everyday writing copious amounts of emails and "professional" cover letters to prospective employers and it goes nowhere. Sometime they will write back and apologize for how long the process is taking or with cheerful, but vague comments like "we havn't forgotten about you!" Seriously, If I'm not cut out for the job, let me know before I get dropkicked in the face with poverty and despair. For some reason, my advisor for the Student Peace Alliance of Rutland County, Carol Tashie decided that perhaps the Rutland Coop could offer me an interview. This is after an exchange of emails where she persisted that they wouldn't hire me because I'm looking for "full-time professional work." I can respect that. But it really does suck that with a college degree, I'm suddenly over-qualified for any typical job and not quite cutting it for the real jobs I want (or maybe I just don't have patience when it comes to the job search). Either way, I guess I'm going into the Coop tomorrow to have interview at 10:30 AM, which also means I should probably go to bed very soon.

So SPARC has been setting up a concert series for the UU Church in downtown Rutland and I'm really excited, but I'm also concerned about one of the bands I've invited; After The Fall. They're great guys and I've seen them play at Valentine's in Albany, NY with Only Crime and Outbreak, but they're really adamant abuot getting $50. Now they're not being total asswipes in the sense that they won't play if they don't get the dough, but they seem pretty convinced they can get the money. Now, Dianna and I are taking our personal money to rent the UU Church in the first place and The Jonee Earthquake Band is also out-of-state, with The Denton Affair coming from White River (my band is too local to get paid.....but I don't care anyways). So basically it wouldn't be fair to pay ATF more than the other bands. We also went out of our way to re-schedule the show for them after they double-booked themselves (apparently they didn't have confidence in me securing the church for the 20th, but Dianna and I were on that shit). I understand that gas prices are going through the fucking roof and that they're on tour in support of their new album and 7", but SPARC is a non-profit organization with next to no resources. I hope they don't get pissed when I can't give them $50.

Not much else is going on. I freaked out yesterday though and decided that my Castleton degree meant nothing and spent hours researching graduate schools online. Well that really pissed my mom off. She said "it would be a mistake" on account of the dwindling U.S. economy and that she wouldn't give me a penny in aide. "You're on you're own with that," she said. I don't blame her. However, she has a Master's Degree in Art Therapy. But I guess you need that label in her line of work, yet my Dad still makes more money thatn her and he's a colleg drop-out. Life is a flummox. I think I just need to have more patience with finding work and if I do land a job I like, then I'll forget about graduate school period. But if someone would pay for it (I.E. Employers), I would enroll in a heartbeat. But seriously, fuck all you privileged PhD types out there who get down on me for not enrolling before I graduated. Your family paid for all your education (especially you Sanjukta! remember....your dad was the CEO of Shell Oil....OH THE HYPOCRISY).

So what else is grinding my gears (reference to Family Guy, DUH)? The Rebuttal. I don't know what those fuckers are up to, but it is apparently taking them almost a week to review my 600 word article about John McCain opposing the Fair Pay Act. My first draft of the article went off on the deep end, when I tried to connect the "stalwart" senator to a methadology of "fathe knows best," but backed it up with insufficient sources. Thats understandable, but my second version directly quoted a women's law journal and basically had no personal opinion. I figured that would suffice and it would be published by now. I guess not. Christian said he would get back to me at night...but that was almost two days ago. I don't know. Besides the fact that I share important criticizms with people, I don't see much motive for writing for them much longer, especially if they can't pay me, which is what they first promised, once I garner "increased readership." Well thats a load of crap. Well I hope they don't read this. But if they don't publish my article, I'll just put it up on here.

Wow I'm fucking tired. I need to find my alarm clock too.